Sideways
As I sit here and reflect on, yet again, another year, the only word that continuously comes to mind is "sideways."
This year was one that was painfully unexpected in outcome. It was one I could not have possibly predicted. It was hard and challenging in ways I still cannot even fully put into words or even understand.
It was a year full of answered prayers, but not in the way I anticipated or even wanted. It was a year of incredibly difficult decisions and anxiety. It was a year of feeling so misunderstood and alone. A year where everything I thought was good for me proved otherwise. A year that the Lord taught me a new level of obedience and surrender. A year where He quite literally had to pry and force things out of my hands because I was struggling with letting go of them.
It was a year that I needed, but never would have asked for, mainly because I did not actually know what I needed.
With many thoughts that still bring me to tears because my heart still has some grief and dismay, I equally sit here in so much reverence of the Lord with gratefulness. He has already begun reconciling grief with joy, isolation with community, fear with hope, and anxiety with peace.
Although many days this past year I often felt like I was walking in the dark and unable to see, I can testify that God was truly by my side in every single step.
His peace was my comfort (Isaiah 26:3). His Word was my hope and guide (Psalm 119:105; Psalm 32:8). His grace was my protection (2 Corinthians 9:8). His faithfulness was my strength (Psalm 46:1-3).
This is life. More importantly, this is life with Jesus. As Christ followers, we are not exempt from hardship. We are called to a life of surrender and self-denial. We are not entitled to anything. We are deserving of nothing. BUT GOD choose to give us Himself through it all, which is our ultimate joy and Prize, learning more of who He is and discovering His good and perfect character through the trials of life.
Peter tells us in Scripture "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you" (1 Peter 4:12).
Jesus also tell us, "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).
We are not to be surprised or angry that we go through various trials and hardships in this life; we are clearly warned of these realities in Scripture. However, I would be lying if I did not admit that this year caught me by surprise, and I was angry and upset at God's plan and answers throughout much of the process.
But God.
Never once did He give up on me or walk out on me. Never once did He get upset with me because I was struggling. Not once did He condemn me for not believing His promises at times and wrestling with anxiety. Never did He look down upon me because I was an emotional mess and did not know how to even pray or what to even pray for.
He was the complete opposite, actually.
He gently reminded me of His truth in the moments of despair. He filled me with peace in the moments of uncertainty, helping me see that He was truly with me in the process. He comforted me and helped me understand it was okay to not be okay, yet I was not to stay there and He would help me keep on going. He helped me see that His love for me is greater than anything I could ever do and deeper than I can even understand. My purpose is not in the work I do or my continual strivings. My purpose is solely found in Christ: knowing God and making Him known, trusting and obeying Him.
Trust and obey is what each of us is called to do. In the things that kind of make sense and in the things that we cannot even begin to understand at all.
When we know who the Father is and we truly believe (actively trust) that He is perfect in all of His ways and His intentions for us are good, perfect, and pure, then we can cling to even just a little piece of hope, peace, and faith in the trials and hardships of this life.
Friends and loved ones, I have no idea what kind of year you are coming out of. I have no clue if it was your best year, hardest year, an indescribable year, or even, like me, a "sideways" year. However, I pray that you would sit down and reflect on all that the Lord has done.
Ask yourself some of these questions:
Where did I see God answer a prayer this year?
How was God faithful in being exactly what I needed Him to be in "that" moment/situation?
What did God reveal to me about His character?
What did God teach me about Himself that I had never seen before this year?
Was there a specific truth He used to guide me this year and help me better understand?
Where did I see God's faithfulness, love, care, grace, and provision this year?
These are just a few questions to reflect on and ask yourself.
Whatever your year was, take time to look for what God did, where He met you, what He taught you, and who He is despite how you feel or have felt.
May you find time to truly sit before Him and give Him thanks for all He has done and for the fact that He never leaves you. Thank Him for His presentness.
In a recent conversation, the reality of this thought came about: Who am I to demand anything of God? If God never gives me anything else than the life of His Son, Jesus, for the sake of me being able to have a relationship and life with Him forever, then why would that not be enough? Who am I to say that wasn't good enough? He literally took me from death to life, when I did not deserve such a gift.
Goodness, why can we not truly be satisfied in this truth alone?
Teach us, Lord, to truly love You with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength (Deuteronomy 6:4).
Happy New Year, fam! May God be glorified in and through you this next year. And no matter what, please do not lose heart. God is with you. Cling to Him. Sit with Him. Cling to His truth. Be still before Him. Let Him continue to teach you how to truly love Him with all of your being and how to trust and obey, no matter the circumstance.
Soli Deo gloria.
“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.”