The Beauty of Brokenness.
This year was not one I saw coming. It was hard. It was challenging. It was messy. It was disheartening. It was discouraging. It was overwhelming. Honestly, it was just a lot of things, most of which not my preference. However, it was nothing short of being the most beautiful year I have lived thus far.
Brokenness. Lament. Healing. -- These are the 3 words I would choose to describe my year.
You know, many of us love feeling put together, strong, adequate, healthy, and just about any other adjective that indicates we are "successful" and "offering something good and worthy." There is nothing wrong with these things, but too often we let these adjectives be our identity, and then when we feel like everything around us is falling apart and that we, too, are falling apart, we become discouraged and hopeless. Not by choice, per se, but by influence of the emotions and circumstances we are encountering.
Without going into all the details of what made this year so difficult, I'd rather spend my energy and your time reading about the HOPE I found through embracing brokenness; the strength it actually provided and the freedom it unleashed.
I began this year with these words circling in my mind and spirit over and over again.
Believe... just believe.
Discipline + Love.
Develop + Thrive.
Trust the Process.
Grace Upon Grace.
Ephesians 3:17-19" so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith — that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."
Redeem and Restore my understanding of love, Abba. (my prayer for the year)
Oh my, how He honored these words, taught me these things, and did this in my life.
Sometimes I hear people joke, "don't pray for _________ because then God will make you go through things that teach you that." This is the most heartbreaking thing I think we could ever joke about because, honestly, as followers of Christ, would we not want to look more and more like Christ despite the "inconvenience" or "hardship" it may entail? It is in the learning and growing that He is all the more glorified, despite how hard the process is as a whole.
I am grateful that God is not one to quickly give up on me and walk away when I choose to not believe and attempt to do things my way despite the continual failings, let downs, struggles, exhaustion, and ultimately disobedience.
One thing I came to genuinely realize this year was disobedience is exhausting.
Oftentimes, in our church culture, we like to overlook certain disobediences. I do not think it is intentional as much as it is ignorant or apathetic. We often forget how much the lack of trusting God and the choice we make to worry about things is actually disobedience (because we are not obeying His command to not worry and to trust Him with our concerns). Or what about the times we sit around rehearsing arguments in our minds (or aloud) and come up with ways to defend ourselves or "tell them off" - again, disobedience because God calls us to forgive, love others unconditionally, and speak gently and with exhortation. Another example, waking up and dreading a certain relationship because we feel hopeless that things will ever change; this is disobedience because we are not believing God's mercies (rooted in forgiveness) to be brand new every morning.
To further the point, how many of us get frustrated and impatient with ourselves? We think we should have "arrived" at this particular stage of life by now or reached these certain goals. We hold ourselves to a standard of perfection that God Himself doesn't even hold us to. This, again, is disobedience. We are to see ourselves as holy, righteous, redeemed, and chosen. In Christ, we are forgiven and made new; our old selves have passed away (no longer in existence).
So, again, I repeat the statement disobedience is exhausting.
Ultimately, the sin of unbelief is at the root of it all. We fail to believe:
1. God is who He says that He is
2. God can/will do what He says He can do
3. I am who He says that I am
4. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me the strength
5. His Word is alive and active in me
-Believing God by Beth Moore
We are called to a life of belief. And believing these 5 things is the key to unlock the life of freedom Christ came to give us.
However, as I learned this year... it's not as easy as just saying the things and "trying" to believe them. True belief comes through the testing of the words, through the failures, through the hardships, through the heartache, through the discouragement and confusion.
Belief comes through the gift of brokenness.
What if it is through our brokenness that we are finally in a place of deep humility and utter dependance on the Lord, where we can encounter these truths and come to truly believe Him and His words?
What if the thing that brings Him the most glory is the raw and messy emotions we offer in our realization of inadequacy and inability to truly live this life on our own?
This is no excuse to make selfish and manipulative decisions that intentionally hurt you or those around you.
I am talking about a raw and desperate need for Jesus to step in and fight for you because your strength is depleted and you are exhausted and incapable in every regard to keep going. I am talking about a brokenness that rids you of your pride and where the grace of God comes in and shatters your whole understanding of your identity and what is actually important and true.
That was my year. Brokenness.
It was the first time in a long while that I saw my inability to piece myself together in an attempt to be who I thought everyone (including myself) needed/wanted me to be. Apart from the grace of His strength, I was unable to get myself out of the bed and face the day before me. And it was the first time I learned to truly accept my brokenness and love myself despite every opposing thought I had. It was the challenge to not give up and to scream, shout, and cry out in desperation of His help and Truth.
Ultimately, I learned this year how much I did not understand or believe His love for me. And this is truly a problem. We are only able to love based on how much we have come to know and understand that we are loved. And let's just say I thought I was good at loving. In reality, I was just good at people pleasing and living in fear of man and being myself because I didn't know myself, let alone love and accept my own self.
Looking for love, acceptance, and belonging outside of Christ is hard, exhausting, and ultimately impossible and dissatisfying. He ALONE is our acceptance. He is the One who is ALWAYS there. He is our Constant and our Faithful Companion. He is our good, good Father. He is the only One who knows every single detail about us and our every thought and action (past, present, and future) and still accepts us and extends His grace and mercy to us in such an unfathomable, undeserved way.
This is LOVE. And this is where our HOPE must come from. No one and nothing else. Outside of Him, it's all a dead end, and we will exhaust ourselves in the attempt to find it outside of Him. And then by His grace, one day we will finally surrender and accept the reality and fall into His arms of strength, grace, and tender love.
Brokenness is a beautiful thing. Lamenting is A-okay because God wants the rawness of our hearts. And Healing is one of His very favorite things; He likes to heal our broken misconceptions that are rooted in our wounds and pain.
On one hand, I hope your year was not nearly as difficult and painful as mine, but on the other hand, I hope it was a year where you were able to see the beauty of the Lord and encounter His love and grace in a way like never before. No matter what, I pray this day, this next year, and all to come, you would embrace your brokenness and let His power be made perfect and glorious in your weakness. Would you truly be for yourself because you understand the love of your Father. Do not live a life of shame, guilt, anger, hate, etc toward yourself or anyone else because that is not truly life.
"The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - John 10:10
I promise this is TRUTH. As I continue to learn how to believe, I pray you would fight to believe, also.
Trust the process and let His love transform your mind, your heart, and your life. Embrace the broken way; it's more beautiful than we will ever understand. His grace truly is sufficient.
Brokenness is some of the most beautiful worship we could ever bring to the One who can pick up all the pieces and still make something out of it all.
Soli Deo gloria.
*Apart from the Lord's revelations in Scripture and teaching of my heart, this post was inspired by Ann Voskamp's book, The Broken Way.
Additionally, some truth from songs that got me through the days:
"Come out of hiding you're safe here with Me." -Steffany Gretzinger
“I know that You are for Me" -Kari Jobe
"You will never stop fighting for me, even when I can't fight for myself" -Riley Clemmons
"I won't move until You speak" -Life Church Worship