Closer Than You Know
Planners. Schedules. Routines. Time Management. Some of the words I would choose to describe part of my personality. For as long as I can remember, I have been very planned out and goal oriented; I’ve always been a step ahead and known what I was going to do next. I would say this is one of my biggest strengths, but also one of my biggest weaknesses.
Throughout the past few years, God has really been growing and challenging me in this area. It was during the last couple of years in college when I had set up my life plan: leave Johnson City and move overseas for ministry. When the time came to graduate, God had closed all of the doors for me to go, and He made it very clear that He wanted me to stay in Johnson City. As any planned out and goal oriented person, I was very upset and frustrated that things were not going how I imagined. It was the start to a season of anger, hurt, confusion, and bitterness. I did not understand why God was forcing me to stay in Johnson City. He was taking away my biggest dreams and ignoring my deepest desires, at least this is what I thought. Little did I know at the time that the next 3 years would be some of the absolute best, yet some of the hardest ones, I would experience thus far in life.
It is almost 3 years exactly to the day from when my life took a completely alternate route than I ever imagined, and I would honestly not change a thing. God has taught me so much about His qualities and His character.
He is good.
He is always by my side.
He is worthy of my trust.
His grace is sufficient.
He loves me more than I will ever understand.
He will never let me down because He is faithful.
These may seem simple, but I promise you, I learned to truly believe in and remember these "simple" truths by going through deep, difficult experiences and much needed hardships. These truths were hard to believe most days. My heart was hurting from all the pruning and purification God was doing – He was breaking me of all of my idols. Many times, God has a rather interesting way of teaching, growing, and molding us into exactly who He wants us to be. A lot of times, this happens in the most difficult seasons of life. I honestly believe it is because these are the only times we are vulnerable and open minded enough to see that we need help and cannot live this life on our own. Each of us is broken, helpless, and in need of someone to rescue us.
Thankfully, God knew this and allowed His son Jesus to die the death that mankind deserves in order for us to have a relationship with Him. He pursued us before we ever had a single thought of pursuing Him. Naturally, we are independent and prideful – we think we do not need anyone else because we can take care of ourselves. It is a daily choice to trust God and allow ourselves to depend on Him. There it is… dependence on Him. This is what we learn in the difficult seasons. This is what He longs for us to do because He offers us peace, hope, and joy. Even in the midst of hardship.
This is what I have been learning and am continuing to learn. I wish I could say I was a master at depending on His strength rather than my own; however, that is unrealistic. As long as I am on this earth, I will daily fail Him and daily try to take care of myself without His help. This is true for all of us, and it is absolutely okay to not be perfect. God has never expected us not to struggle and to not need Him.
Today, I pray that you would take a few minutes to pause, think, and pray. Speak these 6 truths aloud and allow yourself to be okay with the unknown, the chaos, the hurt, the frustration, etc. God never promised life would be easy, but He did promise to be with you always and to help you through every single thing you go through. No matter how big you feel your situation is, God is bigger. Let Him break down the walls in your heart and help you through life. Just be real and raw with Him, no matter what it is about. You are worthy of His love because of Jesus. Do not forget that. He is closer than you know.
When I think about how crazy good and ridiculously hard these past 3 years have been, I cannot help but rejoice in the fact that He has indeed done some work on my “must know and have a plan” personality. At least in some ways… Ha. I can honestly sit here and say that I am finally open and okay with not knowing all of the details. At the end of the day, He has GOOD plans and He is so faithful. At this point, all I know is He is taking me on a brand new adventure, which will be taking place in Houston, Texas starting in August. More details coming later, but just know this is the biggest and hardest step of faith I have taken, yet. I can rest in the above truths, though, and know that everything is going to be alright. 🙂
“Lord I hear You, I know You’re there. Closer now than my skin and bones could dare.
Breathing deep within me, You are always with me.
I can see You where eyes can’t stare, brighter now than the sun could ever dare.
Breathing all around me, God I know You’re with me here.”